Friday, 23 May 2014
It's been a while since I've blogged. Things have been busy but I knew I had to make time to share this with you all. At supper the other night I even exclaimed "I have the best blog subject to write about!" to which my mother responded "please tell me it isn't about your vagina!" and yes, yes it is. God she knows me well!! I mean, yes, I know there are certain things about ones vagina that shouldn't be shared, but so help me, I just have a shorter list of those things then other people do. Let me start with a little lesson or two. Now I'm assuming we all know the definitions of professional, skilled, educated, training and Brazilian wax right? For those who don't, a professional can be defined as; (of a person) engaged in a specified activity as one's main paid occupation rather than as a pastime, having or showing the skill appropriate to a professional person; competent or skillful and even denoting a person who persistently makes a feature of a particular activity or attribute. Let's apply this to the term Brazilian wax (the process of removing all or almost all pubic and other hair in the pelvic area by applying hot wax) and realize that indeed, there are people out there who are professionals in Brazilian waxing. I myself am not one of these. But of course I am a professional googler and after reading a few articles on the subject, decided I was basically a pro and should definitely attempt my very own Brazilian wax. Now I am a fan of yoga and would like to say I'm quite flexible and knew the positions the regular waxing lady I saw put me through. For those who have never had one, let me tell you, your legs wind up in all sorts of places that either should be left to the most skilled yogi and or those practicing the kamasutra. But like I said, I googled it right? What could go wrong?? So one Friday morning, I wound up with some free time before work, headed in and heated up the wax. After stripping down and dousing myself in baby powder I realized I didn't do an amazing job of trimming to the correct length (it was months since my last professional wax and I could have put most beaver pelts to shame) but hey! Should be okay.....right?? I take a few deep breaths and remember what I read about examining the hair growth pattern.....try my best to bend on over that stuff and spend an uncomfortable amount of time examining it.....hmmm yes, it does indeed seem to be growing in an outwards from my body motion. Got it! I slather on the first bit of hot wax and HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S TOO HOT. Okay, small burn, let's turn that stuff down. Eventually it cools enough and I give it another shot. Smooth on the strip annnnnnnnnd take a deep breath RIIIIIIPPPPPPPPP........instant tears to my eyes and I realize I have an entire pubic region left, minus maybe 6 hairs. What time is it? Too early to drink? Dammit yes. Okay....let's try another....RRRRIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPP holy fuck there's blood. Tons of little dots of blood....uhhhh more baby powder....yeah slather that on there...the thing with this is, once you start, you are committed. Like, there is no turning back or stopping. I get the top stuff done and then spend another half hour trying to contort my legs so the folds are not so foldy and I can get strips in and around the girl bits. At this point I'm bleeding and on the verge of tears and then I have a moment where I get a giant strip stuck to myself....try twice to pull it off and only manage to take off a layer of skin.....annnnnnnnd now everything is totally glued together with the wax. Everything. My entire vagina is welded shut by dried, cooled wax. Panic sets in and I'm imagining the phone calls I'm going to have to make to someone for help "yes that's right, the entire thing. Good thing I'm done having kids right?"....holy shit I'll never pee again! I start awkwardly running around the room with everything all glued together then stuck to the insides of my legs having a mild panic attack.....it's okay, calm down, what would google say??? I gently try to pry stuff open and quickly give up to just give it one swift tear and hooray, she's free!!!! And I'm not even close to being finished. Fuck. So I plug on, finally finishing and realize there's still the back side to do. I really should have gotten myself drunk first. Somehow I manage to contort myself and get one smear of hot wax down one side of like the butt cheek, and get the strip on and it's impossible to pull off. I manage to pick it loose while crying and decide I probably did a pretty good job. Google tells me to use baby oil to remove the wax residue and it stops most of the bleeding and I remember my waxer using tweezers to finish up any strays. I have a good close look with a mirror and suppress a gasp as I realize it looks like I lost a fight with a meat grinder. Good times. Also there are giant missed patches everywhere which I frantically start pulling out with tweezers HOLY FUCK THAT HURTS! Now I know my waxer uses some kind of soothing after lotion and I look around our esthetics room and see a bottle labelled 'tend skin' for after shaving to minimize unsightly bumps...hmmm....slather some of that on and FIRE! OH MY GOD IT'S ON FIRE! Oh, first ingredient is alcohol. I resist the urge to drink the rest and put my pants on and awkwardly work my day until the best part...........I also have a pap scheduled with my dr that afternoon. When I get to my dr appointment I try to explain to her that no, I wasn't gang raped by a group of blenders and I try to tell her the story and laugh it off. Now all of this story may have been cringe worthy to you but this is the part that was cringe worthy to me. My doctor proceeds to get all in there inspecting my work....like aaaaalllllllllllll up in there. She exclaims I did a pretty good job......and then she grabs a chunk of long hairs I missed on the inside of my right ass cheek and pulls it. Tugs it. She pulls my ass crack hair and announces "except for that bit there!".....I almost died. The rest of the appointment was spent talking about waxing vaginas and my quiet resolution to spend whatever money it takes to have this professionally done next time. Took a few days for all the wax to melt off in the shower and all the hairs I missed to pop back up. I now look like a sad molting bird instead of a beaver with an afro so I guess that's almost a success right? Thanks for nothing google.