Shit my Kids Say.....and I love them regardless.

So my kids....they are all very....colourful.  I'm not sure who possibly they most take after, but I'm pretty sure it's their dad.  They come up with some of the most amazing statements...it just really blows my mind.  Sometimes these things are appropriate, sometimes not so much.  Here's a few memorable moments from the last few years of some of the things out of Kohens mouth-

K (the 6 year old)-


"You smell like dog."  This said to our babysitter...who has many dogs.

"I don't know who I'm going to marry, but I know I'm not going to marry a boy."

"Mom?  How many trees are there in the whole wide world?"

"Haha you're funny cause you pee out your butt.  Mom?  Do girls pee out their butts?"

"Girls like you don't have any money!" this said to one of the girls who I work with.

"It's really fucking cold in here!" testing out swearing while driving in the van...and yes, it was really fucking cold in there.

"It's really fucking cold in here!" this said when coming home to our house after Barry refused to turn the furnace on anymore for the season.

"Where the hell are we?" said as he looked up from his book while parked waiting for Barry at the bank.

An interaction between K (6) and G (12);
Gav- I had a bad day. Kohen pushed me down the path and was calling me bad names.
Me- what kinds of bad names?
Gav- I'd prefer not to say.
Me- just say it.
Gav- vagina okay? He was saying "Gav is a vagina" over and over.

"I just held my breath and counted to 100!............but just my nose."

"Dad...did you stay and watch my whole hockey game?" Barry says no he didn't "I scored goals!" which he didn't.

Me - What do you want for breakfast?
Koh - Get a shotgun, shoot a cow and I'll eat that.

While sitting on the toilet in the morning "Now I'll nevah (he doesn't pronouce his R's so this is how never sounds) go to school!!  NEVAH!  I can't!  I'm stuck here with poo stuck in my bum!"

"Mom?  Me and Gav are bastards, but not Lenny, right??  But why are we bastards?"

Koh - Mom...I don't feel good.
Me - Why?
Koh - Because I miss Grandma..........aaannnnnd my poop keeps getting stuck.........aaaaaaannnnnnd I wish to be Lenny cause he never gets punished, or hit AND GAVIN HIT ME WITH HIS GUN!  DAD!  GAVIN HAS BEEN ATTACKING ME ALL DAY!

Which of my kids did this.......

Let's play a guessing game!  I'll give you three guesses....okay, which of my three darling brats children got suspended from school for 1 day and their bus for 3 days?  I know it's early, I'll help you out a bit.....I only have two kids who ride the bus.  Also, now I realize I gave you three guesses, so unless you're high on computer duster, you should be able to get this one.  What?  Oh, I think I just heard a collective yell echoing off the mountains.......THE RED HEAD???  Yes.  If you were a part of the group of people who screamed at their computer screen that it was Kohen, you have been paying attention.  Congrats, send me your address and I'll bake you some cookies.  And for those who just yelled "the red head" because obviously red heads are soulless devil children, yeah, you win too.  And for everyone else who guessed Gavin, please take yourselves to the nearest other person in the room and instruct them to punch you in the face because you sir, are an idiot.

So my lovely middle child.....sigh......yup.  It's Wednesday and I'm at work.  Me and Carmen are blowing each other out......wait wait wait wait.......it's early, let me reword that.  Ahem.....me and Carmen were tag team blowing each other out..........no no no....honest, it's not like that.  I should probably explain before I sign myself up for a 1-900 number here.....okay so there's this HAIR treatment, like the hair on top of your HEAD and it's called a "blowout".....yeah, not the best choice of terms but basically you use a BLOW dryer to blow the curls OUT....hence, blowout.  Got it?  Okay so there we were, mid blowout (stop giggling) and Barry walks into the shop.  Now, he looks like either someone has died, or maybe he was fired, or maybe he saw the dent I put in the back of the flex (just kidding honey, that was my mom), or maybe he finally saw the receipt from the last pair of boots I bought....anyways....he looks very upset.  He demands to speak to me in the back room and says he's on his way to pick up Kohen from school.  Awesome.  AND that Kohen has been kicked off the bus........for uttering threats.  Now, Kohen is six, and a boy, so I'm a little confused for a minute about what types of "threats" he'd be saying to get him into so much trouble.  I mean, at our house, the boys threaten each other all the time......threats of punching each other and taking away toys and kicking and smacking........but our darling didn't threaten any of that...no no....Kohen told another student he was going to "stab you with a knife".  Yeah.  He went there.  The other detail......he told this to a kindergarten girl.  A little sweet girl in kindergarten....probably wearing a sweet little floral dress and pigtails.  Stab you with a knife. 

*crickets chirping*

Yeah.  I didn't know what to say either...all though, upon telling this story to people at the salon, I had one person remark "Awwwww he's got a crush!!" which actually made me laugh pretty hard. But I guess they suspected he may actually HAVE a knife....which, knowing Kohen, anything is possible.  He was searched and his backpack was searched and thank god obviously he didn't have one!  So we got phoned and called into the office and told they were making an example of this and he was suspended for the day, and off the bus for the rest of the week.  Ohhhhhhh Kohen.  And what do you do??  To punish him?  He was all excited that we'd be picking him up from school....and driving him too school....it was like a vacation for him.  And he's already grounded off of video games and computer and and and and.....what else is there?  So we reinforce that it's bad to say and we don't talk like that and made him apologise......and hopefully in the future the neighbours cats won't ever go missing and wind up in our deep freeze.

*SIGH* KOHEN.

I am NOT a morning person.  I'm pretty much the crankiest you know what if I get up on the wrong side of the bed....which is any side of the bed really some mornings.  And other mornings, things have potential to be okay but one of my fucking darling children will essentially shove me off the wrong side of the bed and the rest of the day is doomed.  Take this morning for example.  The alarm goes off the first time, which the clock is set 15 minutes fast to begin with just so I can snooze it a couple times and not be late, and I slap the snooze right out of that bitch.  I hear Barry downstairs getting ready to leave for work and I hear Kohen head on down there too.  Good, I don't have to drag Kohen out of bed, he's already up, good start I can snooze one more time.  SNOOOZE. In my half asleep, half awake state I hear Kohen opening the microwave up.  He insists on having his chocolate milk warmed up.  I drift off again and hear Kohen whimpering.  Now, I know what this is looking like..........I'm the mom, all up warm and cozy in my bed while my little darling child is downstairs playing with cooking appliances....and before you "go there" let me interject with this; he's almost 7 and can heat up his own damn chocolate milk....if my kids wind up in the Hunger Games, they are going to be prepared, that's my job as their Mom so mind your own damn business.  Where was I?  Oh right....whimpering.  Okay, again, let me clarify......I'm not talking whimpering like "ow ow ow hurt", I'm talking like "oh shit moms gonna snap".....see the difference?  Okay good!  So anyways.....I assume he's spilt his chocolate milk in the attempt to haul it out of the microwave which is a little higher up then he can really reach (7...Hunger Games....raise your own kids) so I haul myself out of bed and grumpily start heading down.  Kohen meets me on the stairs and he's got his face covered by his hands...

"I'm sorrrrrry mom!  I'm sorrrrrrry!"
Big Sigh "What Kohen?"
"I wanted to make an egg and it exploded."
"WHAT??!!??" I didn't even know he could crack open an egg!
"I'm sorrry!  But it like....exploded!"

I walk over to the microwave and notice the time is sitting at 2:35 so I'm assuming it was set for 3 minutes and open it up (he's closed it and run) and this is what I find...

I took the glass part out already before I got smart and thought I should take a pic so it's not as bad as it was....so use your imaginations and picture that glass spinny part COVERED in egg whites and explosion.  Now, I'm looking at this and I'm a little stunned.  How did that egg explode........ohhhh......shells.  Basically Kohen stuck an ENTIRE egg, in it's SHELL in a cup, and nuked it for almost 1 minute.  Huh.  Neat.

This was all that was left in the cup.  Those suckers EXPLODE pretty majorly.  So that's how my morning started!  I spent the next half hour trying to scrape cooked egg off the inside of my microwave with a butter knife crying.  Oh, and I tried the ol' stick a cup of water in the microwave and heat it up and let the steam gently massage and caress all the gunk off the inside of your microwave trick....and in my half stunned morning state, nuked it for a minute and a half and then whipped open the microwave, grabbed the cup and totally burnt my hand so that worked pretty well.  And it didn't even get the egg off....cause I missed the step where you leave your microwave closed and let the steam actually DO something (other then burn you)....so for future reference, if you need household cleaning tips, ask somebody else because apparently Susy Fucking Homemaker I'm not.  Shattered your dreams with that one didn't I?  And as for Kohen....he's had a rough couple of days.  Yesterday evening we found all our missing toothpastes thrown into our non-working storage bathtub downstairs hiding amongst the mops and cleaning supplies because he "doesn't like the taste" and we're out of kids toothpaste.  Wouldn't life be dull without him??  I just keep repeating that to myself with every sip of wine.  Merlot and fruit loops for breakfast again!!  Haha just kidding, that's gross, you gotta drink it with cheerios.