Weak stomachs be warned....

Goooooood Morning!!!  So my three year old is just at that exact perfect age where you want to keep them this way and never let them age a bit!!  He says the funniest things....does even funnier ones and is old enough to basically entertain himself when needed and engage with the older boys.  It's perfect......except for a couple little things that he can't quite do on his own yet....we'll get into that in a minute.....let's talk about my day a few weekends back....sssiiiiiiggggggghhhhhh........

Sooooooo remember how I'm not really a morning person?  Yeeeaaahhhh well, for those of you who have forgotten, to me, the entire world starts at 6:30am.  Any earlier then that and it doesn't exist.  You get up at 5:30am for work?  Sounds made up.  I refuse to believe there is any ungodly hours out there....trust me, 6:30 is bad enough.  So now let's bring hockey into this little equation.  My middle son plays hockey.  Anyone who has had kids play hockey KNOWS the hours that that involves.  So for those of you not paying attention me, hockey and an ungodly hour are having a little threesome here.  What could possibly go wrong??  Now Barry and Kohen ARE morning people.  Me, Lenny and Gavin....no.  So we have a hockey game in Grand Forks that we need to be at for around 8:45am....meaning we have to leave our house by 7am....meaning I have to get up at 6:47am so I can be ready in time....just kidding....sort of.  So Barry is up and showered and ready...Kohen is up and ready to go all happy and excited for a day of hockey....in grand forks....allllllllllll day....with hours between games and honestly, there is NOTHING to do there!  Nothing.  An entire Saturday spent dragging the kids around Grand Forks between hour sessions in the freezing cold rink...I know what you're all thinking, wheeee where can I sign up??  Barry is waking me up and my alarm is waking me up and i'm slapping snooze on both....no not Barry....he's smart enough not to get that close to me when trying to wake me up.  And he has Lennys bedroom door wide open while everyone stomps around trying to get ready for the morning and he's not budging either.  Finally I get up and I have a huge headache and I'm really really grumpy and already on the verge of tears.  I come downstairs and Kohen starts crying "I dont' want you to come!!  I just wanted it me and dad!!  I don't want you and Lenny to come with us!!" and he's like really crying.....and I'm crying "you know what?!?  I don't want to go either!!!!" but of course Barry doesn't want to be trapped there all day by himself so he's not getting involved in this discussion.  We haul Lenny out of his crib and off we go.  The boys want breakfast....Barry asks me where we're going....our options are fast food restaurants, or fast food restaurants or fast food restaurants...I say it's all the same shit.  So they pull into Tim Hortons.  Now my mistake was not specifying....buuuuut I HATE Tim Hortons.  And everyone in that car with me knows it....like, hate. 

Now I feel like a total bitch.....because I know I have clients who bring me Tim Hortons coffee....and at that point in my day, I'm totally okay with it!  And I will drink it and not even cry.  This story and my upcoming freak out is not reflective on the coffee you bring me, solely the fact that my husband and family knows this isn't my favorite and at 7am a girl just wants a fucking cup of coffee.  So please, this is not an attack on any of the Tim Hortons coffees I have happily consumed from my amazing fantastic clients.  Okay...on ward...

So now I basically act like a spoiled rotten child and refuse to order anything.  There is not one item on that menu I want to eat/drink at 7am on that morning.  Barry is quickly sensing that something is building here and he's ignoring it.  I have tears welling up in my eyes and finally grudgingly order a yogurt which I chuck under the seat in the bag and don't eat.  The boys in the back order wild berry smoothies and bagels and Barry of course gets a large steaming hot cup of coffee.....which I won't drink.  And alllllllllll I wanted in the entire world was a coffee for the drive......just one......so I'm devastated.  I'm a huge whore for a cup of coffee in the mornings.  And off we go.....I try my hardest but the tears start coming and I can't stop them....I sob all the way to Grand Forks....or almost to Grand Forks.  We are just about pulling into town when we hear a strange noise.....Lenny kind of coughs....and then hiccups and I turn around and through my tear blurred vision see him start to THROW UP ALL OVER EVERYTHING.  Now here's the thing that at three, he doesn't get yet.  Throwing up.  There was no warning....he doesn't know to pull over or get a bag or anything...so he's strapped into his carseat, with a blanket on his lap and he's projectile vomiting wild berry smoothie all over the car.  We all start freaking out "HOLY FUUUUUUUUCK PULL OVER PULL OVER PULL OVER!!" and Lenny is just staring at me not really sure whats happening with fountain of puke shooting everywhere.  It just keeps coming and coming and coming.  Barry pulls onto this little road that heads to the mill and we search the car for napkins or anything and find ONE MEASLY scrap of a napkin in all our Tim Hortons bags....thanks alot Timmies ya douchebags.  I chuck the blanket out of the car and Barry and I are basically just running around the car freaking out....and Lenny is sitting there crying, covered in disgustingness and Kohen is plugging his nose trying not to gag.  We load everyone up again and drive to a gas station where I bathe Lenny in a freezing cold bathroom in the sink and Barry tries to scoop the puke out of the car and needless to say, I'm crying again.  We decide to head home and drop us off.  I get bags from the gas station and sit in the back with Lenny, who is green, waiting for more.  It's a long drive home.  Kohen is crying about how Lenny ruined his hockey game....and halfway home, he pulls my new ipod shuffle out of his smoothie....but has NO idea how it got in there so that was awesome too.  So there you go..........the thing that three year olds can't do by themselves.  And our exciting trip to Grand Forks.....and why we all just should have stayed in bed.

Shoe Shopping.....basically Hell, but better style.

Soooooooo shoe shopping.....UGH.  Am I right??!?  Shoe shopping can be the single most frustrating event in the planet.  I adore shoes, and really really stupid expensive ones always fit me well, but try and find a decent pair for under $100 and it's torture.  I'd rather pull out all my toe nails one by one then try and do this sometimes.  Recently we were in Vancouver and on my wish list I had a pair of black boots suitable for work, and a pair of those cute new wedge sneakers.  So off we go....navigating all the shoe stores down Robson street.  I find varying possibilities of what I'm looking for but nothing is really quite right.  Finally I find ones that for the price, will work.  I try on the sneakers and they are a little too tight....I agonise over whether they'll stretch out or what.  The store is PACKED and it's "black Friday deals" all weekend and it's impossible to get in or out and so I give up and leave.  After trying every other shoe store in all of Vancouver, I decide the slightly too tight wedges will have to do.  So I find these shoes at a chain called Spring....which also there is a Call It Spring with the exact same stuff so there's basically two of these stores per block.  We head out to the metrotown mall and there are a few of these stores there so I hit up one and try the 8 on again....it's not going to work after all.  Okay, no problems, I'll just get the 9 and get an insole.  I try a 9...it's like, giant too big.  Frig.  Is there an 8.5?  Yes, in brown.  Ugh.  I try on the 8.5 in brown and it's PERFECT.  Okay, don't panic, there is another of these stores not too far away in the same mall, I know I need a 8.5 so it's under control.  We get lost and can't find the store....and can't find a directory anywhere.....we go round and round and the mall is packed and everyone is super annoying and in the way and why do couples holding hands walk so fucking slow when you're behind them trying to pass????  CAN SOMEONE RIDDLE ME THAT?!?  Anyways....also, fun fact....we had a croissant for breakfast and haven't eaten since and it's like after 6pm and we're grumpy so there's that tidbit of info.  So we finally figure out where we are going and find the store and I march in knowing exactly where the shoes are in the store....stomp half way into the store and stop on the spot.  There is a friggen LADY LYING ON THE FLOOR.  She has a blanket over her and an oxygen mask on and 2 paramedics talking to her and helping her and she is RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SHOES.  Just my luck.  I turn around and my mom, who hasn't see the lady yet, looks questioning.  It's all a bit confusing too cause there are people still shopping....all over the store....trying shoes on....acting like the lady is just taking a nap or something...on the floor.  I ask "what should I do??" and we stand there like morons for 10 minutes debating do we leave?  Do we shop like everyone else?  We decide I know what I want for size, I don't have to try them on, I can just get someone to grab them for me and get out of there.  So I find a guy who works there and while standing about a foot in the door to the store I gesture weakly towards the shoes beside the horizontal lady and say "um excuse me...I'd like the black on black wedge sneakers with the 3 velcro straps in a size 8.5 please" and he looks confused and walks over and points to like some flat sneakers with studs on them.  Seriously?  I know you work here buddy.....if there were studs on the ones I wanted, I'd have pointed that out!!  I point again....uhhhh, just over there, on the bottom right....the black ones with the wedge heel and velcro?  He walks over and picks up some brown loafers......again, SERIOUSLY???!!!  So I walk over a little closer and point....he's reaching over the ladies legs and randomly grabbing shoes and I'm trying to direct him No!  To the right!  No....those ones over there....SIGH and I march over and lean over the lady (cue lightning bolt!) and point dead onto the ones I want.  Ooooh he gets it now and says "oh this is the 8.5 here, the sample one.  I'll grab you the other from the back."  Great....perfect.  I go and stand beside the till....which is directly beside the lady...and I try not to stare but she looks like she's not going to die....and actually she's pretty young....and I stand there....and stand there.............and stand there.........................and stand there.....................and stand there.......................and finally a girl goes to help him............and stand there..............look at the lady..........smile weakly at her friend holding her hand...........and stand there........try not to stare..............and the girl comes back and says "I'm sorry.  We've lost the other shoe.  I can order you a pair?" and I want to scream and yell and stomp my feet because I was this close to having them.....but I realize, hey, there is a lady LAYING ON THE FUCKING FLOOR and I want to whine about a shoe??!!  So I just say a polite no thank you and rush out of there telling my mom I'm about to lose my shit and we have to leave right away.  Sigh.  Good effort.  I did later get up to a different store on Robson street again and get my shoes and late that night, trying to fall asleep after too many bottles of wine in the hotel bed across from my parents, my mom and I get the giggles about the poor woman laying on the floor.......between giggles and gasping for air my mom blurts out "maybe the other shoe was on her foot!?!?" and that's it....we're toast....laughing till we cry.  Don't get me wrong, I felt bad for that woman laying on the floor but if my blogs have taught you anything about me, it's that I can exhibit the completely wrong emotions for the situation.  Also, shoe shopping isn't for the weak.

This snap show brought to you by our friend PMS.

I woke up this morning....and my eyes were pretty much glued shut.  They were swollen and sore and puffy in a way that only a couple hours of ugly crying can do.  Why ugly crying?  Well, let me tell ya a little story!  Now this story requires a little set up.....here goes.....it's that time of the month.  Okay?  Got the scenario?  Now for the snap show.  So yesterday, I wound up working late, which I don't usually do on Wednesdays, and that fact alone messed up my entire day.  All morning I thought I was going into Thursday....the clients I was imagining were my Thursdays clients, the time I started and finished were my Thursday times etc....so I show up for work and I'm actually on time!  Hooray!  I brag about this fact to Nicole, sit down and look at my schedule and realize I'm actually an hour early.  I don't start till 11.  Great, good start.  So I dick around for an hour until my day gets underway and all of a sudden I realize I forgot to bring myself any dinner (because I'm working late) and also any lunch....and my stomach is growling and apparently I've forgotten to eat breakfast too.  Huh.  Would have had time for that seeings how I was an HOUR EARLY.  So if anybody knows me, they know that lack of food makes me reaaalllllyyyy squirrly, and not in a good way....no cute little fluffy squirrel for me, no no no....I'm a rabid flying squirrel who is waiting to launch myself at your jugular and eat through your heart.  Lovely right?  So I'm mixing colour and Nicole says "why are you crying??" which I'm not....yet.....but apparently lack of food makes me super emotional too.  A bi-polar, rabid squirrel waiting to claw your eyes out.  Now throw PMS into the mix and WHOA man....shit just got serious.  So somehow I make it through my day, barely, and even manage to get to the gym, where I proceed to attempt some new stuff and realize I haven't been in a while and I'm sore and grumpy and ow.  Then I have to go from there to pick up Gavin from dance so I fly up, barely making it on time, to Turning Point at the other end of town, then back to work to close up and cash out and then off to home.  So I'm sweaty, stinky and sore from the gym.  A nice hot shower and bed!  I ask Barry if he bought toilet paper and toothpaste today, cause I had texted him that we were out in the morning.  Now, we've actually been squeezing empty toothpaste tubes for a few days....cutting the tops off and trying to scoop out every last little bit, always forgetting to buy a new tube somehow....never mind the fact that Barry works in a grocery store, so it's usually up to him to grab this stuff before coming home.  Barry says "didn't even cross my mind" and I get in a huff and say that I had texted it to him, along with lunch snacks...which he GOT....so if he got the text about lunch snacks, he got the one about toilet paper and toothpaste.  So now I'm even more grumpy.  I GUESS I'm going up to SAFEWAY (end of town I just came from) to get toothpaste because I would really LOVE to brush my teeth today or tomorrow.  I storm out and head on up to Safeway and it's like 9:30pm by the time I get there.  I'm tired, sore, grumpy and then I realize, I don't have a fucking quarter for the shopping carts.  Like seriously, a quarter is enough to guarantee someone isn't going to steal it??  I mean really, to me, .25 is a pretty good bargain for one of those shopping carts!  Think of everything you could haul around....empty wine bottles, full wine bottles, other liquor bottles...really, the possibilities are endless!  Mmmm....liquor.....wait, where was I?? RIGHT, so no quarter.  So there I am, carrying a giant, large, embarrassing amount of toilet paper (it was on sale) and 3 boxes of toothpaste (also on sale) and with every step dropping one of the boxes and having to pick it up while swearing, trying to get to the self checkout.  So I scan all my stuff through and the stupid self checkout is all "unexpected item blah blah" so I'm lifting things and trying to place them on the side and the lady has to come over and help me and I'm reaaaallllly annoyed and finally I can pay!  I dig through my purse.....no wallet.  What.  The.  Fuck.  So I ask the lady if she can hold my stuff, I obviously left my wallet in the car!  Yeah, that's it!  Halfway across the parking lot and the realisation that my wallet is in my gym bag at home and I looooooooooooooose it.  I start sobbing.  Like, my entire family was murdered by a rabid squirrel type sobbing.  I'm trying to get to my car before anyone sees me and I'm blinded by tears and kind of running in an awkward my ass hurts from too many squats at the gym way.  I get in the car and melt down.  I'm wearing a big sweater of Barry's so I'm using the sleeves to wipe at my eyes and nose, smearing mascara and snot and tears all over my face.  I manage to get control of myself enough to drive home, but I keep hiccuping sobs and having to wipe my eyes, making a giant mess.  I finally get home and don't even bother to compose myself.  I head straight up to bed and cry myself to sleep.  Over toothpaste and toilet paper?  Not really I suppose, but when PMS is in full force, what better reason is there to ugly cry for a couple hours?  This morning Barry made a very small attempt at a joke regarding leaving ones wallet, but I think the death glare scared him into silence.  Maybe tomorrow we can joke....maybe. 

Welcome to my freak show.

After all the sharing of my dad's mini freak outs....I decided I should probably post another of my own. I know you're all gasping and probably fainting to hear that I have freak outs....because gosh, I'm so mild mannered and calm and collected....but yes, get the smelling salts handy cause it's true. I would like to blame having three boys for the insanity that is my life, but sadly, lots of it is just me.


So let's remember, back to May and all the crazy busyness that was my life....work, Gill moving, the kids getting anxious for summer, grad etc etc etc. Me and Nicole had a road trip/work trip planned for the first weekend in June and we were LOOKING FORWARD TO IT like you have no idea. We were planning to shop and eat out and dance and see Gill and shop and drink wine and drink and eat and shop and that was pretty much the to do list....all ending with a class on a new fun trendy hair color technique. So May just seemed never ending and finally it was the weekend we were leaving. We were giddy.....stupid funny and laughing at everything all week one second and then randomly bursting into tears the next second. Stress will do that too you! Along with not eating well because of the hectic pace and drinking too much beer after work for the same reason. FINALLY it was Saturday, the day we were leaving. It was also sunfest weekend here in town so I had said I’d take my kids to the parade and then we'd leave after that. Well we wake up on Saturday and I have 29472947 things to do because I haven't had time before hand and I have laundry and packing and had put off washing my hair and shaving the pits and the parade started around 11 and I was running around like crazy. The kids were all excited for the parade and they were running around picking at each other and trashing the house. We were right in the middle of potty training and Lenny was peeing on things and really had to go #2 but was scared to so he'd been holding back for a few days and now he was crying his bum hurt and following me around with a diaper, asking to have it put on. It was chaos. So I finally get us ready enough that we can go to the parade and I'm yelling at the kids cause they're all over the place and I’ve got Lenny on the toilet and I’m begging....bribing...pleading with him to just please try.....and he's crying and screaming ow and holding on for dear life. My mom shows up to help out and I'm in tears at that point because how can I take Lenny out of the house like this without going to the washroom to stand on the side of the road somewhere? And the boys are crying cause they're watching the clock and are convinced the parade is over. I'm yelling "THAT'S IT! WE'RE NOT GOING!!" and the kids are screaming "NOOOOO" and crying and thankfully my mom suggests I take the older boys and she will stay with Lenny on the potty. FINE. I rush around some more trying to find coats (is that rain on the horizon?) and bags for candy and the boys are antsy and Lenny is crying and I just want to get in the car and drive to Kelowna and never come back. So we finally get out to the van and its soooooo late and I know the road is closed where the parade is so we're going to have to find parking (good luck) and navigate all the crazy traffic and stupid back roads and I'm dreading it. The boys are yelling at me to hurry up and so we all pile into the minivan and I throw it into reverse and gun it and CRUNCH SMASH DRAAAGGGGG. Okay, now here's the part...the language is about to get crazy....and yes, my kids witnessed it too and I did apologize, I think....or I bought them something, cause that's the same thing right?? So CRUNCH SMASH DRRAAAGGGGG and I'm like "what the fuck was that?!!??"....now anyone who's ever pulled up to my driveway knows at any given time there's like 3 bikes and 4 ride on cars and 294729 toys scattered all over....so I whip the van into park and start going off "WHY DON'T YOU KIDS EVER PICK UP YOUR TOYS!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THEM ALL OVER THE FUCKING DRIVEWAY?!?!" and I run around the back of the van and I’ve ran over and smashed 3 mini plastic deck chairs. So like any person in the middle of a freak out I continue yelling obscenities "JESUS CHRIST...STUPID TOYS....FUCKING CHAIRS" etc as I use my foot to move, aka kick frantically, the broken pieces of chair all over the place. Then the beauty part was I cut my toe on one of the sharp edges, which only causes me to swear and kick harder and more spazoid like. I get them all out of the way and get back in the van and look at my kids horrified faces....which only makes me madder cause I’m being a total jerk and I know it.....



Me - "WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT LEAVING YOUR SHIT BEHIND THE VEHICLES?"

Koh - *quiet voice* Nana told us to get some chairs to bring to sit on and watch the parade and I couldn't open the back.

Me - .......................................................................



And I look up and the window to the bathroom is open and my mom is sitting in there with Lenny and obviously heard the whole thing too. Sigh. So off we go to the parade......I try and make sure each kid gets the largest bag of candy ever, even pushing other slower kids out of the way because that's how you show your kids that you realize you've been a total asshole, right??

Mommy Snaps

Do you know how hard it is to live with 4 boys?  Like.....it's not pretty.  Boys are gross, and think gross things are funny.  They fart and burp at the dinner table, laughing at each other.....they bite their nails and leave them wherever they want or put them in my plants.  They pee all over the toilet/toilet seat/bathroom floor and whatever else may be handy (yes, we've had incidents with garbage cans and baby tubs).  But so far, we don't have the hormones.  Now lets turn the tables......do you know how hard it is to live with 1 incredibly hormonal red headed Aries?  Yeah.  So I guess the road really does run both ways.  I'm going to paint you a picture....it's not a pretty one.  It's like those paintings where everything is all just like....smeared together in the most garish colours and they're all deep and meaningful but you think your toy poodle could shit on a canvas and make nicer art?  Yeah, that's the kind.  This happened a bit ago.......it was one of "those" mornings at my house.  Oh yes, duhn duhn duuuuuuuhhhnnnnn!!!!  The baby hadn't been sleeping well and we hadn't had a full nights sleep in a long time.  He was miserable and so were we.  The boys had all been sick with horrendous colds and up coughing and crying all night for a week.  Barry and I were tired and grumpy.  Enter......PMS!!!!!!!!!!!!  Now, that alone should be enough to have you running for the hills screaming and crying....but this particular morning, Barry hadn't figured that detail out yet.  I was trying to make lunches before school.  We were running TOTALLY late and of course out of "lunch snacks" because the little jerks sit around and eat them all day after school.  I was busy making baggies of "trail mix" out of left over ground up bits of cereal, old nuts from Christmas and an old bag of spitz sunflower seeds I'd found on the top of the fridge (camping '05 possibly?).....the boys were of course fighting and not brushing their teeth like I was screaming at them    politely asking them too.....Lenny was hanging onto my leg crying and wiping snot everywhere.  I was raging pms, fighting a cold and a time bomb waiting to go off.....see, but that's the other thing with boys.  Sometimes they are a little slow to pick up on things like raging pms....until it's toooooo late.  Barry can sense somethings wrong, but not sure quite what and he decides to be a funny jokester and that'll make things better!  Wrong Barry.  Wrong.  He grabs me in a huge bear hug, squeezing me hard.  I also had worked myself too hard at the gym and that in combination with sleeping with my head on the nightstand (baby in bed) had made my shoulders all crooked.  "OW that hurts!" I yell out....i'm on the verge of tears and want to be living by myself in the mountains somewhere at that moment.  Barry thinks this is funny "whyyy does that hurt??" squeezing harder.  I'm trying to pull away but he thinks that's funny too.....somehow his "morning person" personality is making him blind to the death rays I'm putting out....he's just assuming it's the non "morning person" in me that's speaking.  Oh wrong again Barry.  I finally wrench back enough that he can see my face....I'm full out crying....he's totally shocked and I scream at him "I'M TIRED AND HAVEN'T SLEPT AND MY SHOULDER HURTS AND......AND.........AND I HAVE A COLD!!!!!!!"

*silence*

The whole room is silent.  Barry does the smartest thing he's done all morning and just slowly, carefully lets me go and backs away without taking his eyes off me or making any sudden movements.......right out the front door and down the steps where he gets in the van and gets the heck out of there....no goodbye, no kiss.  I stand in the middle of the room sobbing while my darling children quickly hustle to get their stuff on and get out to the bus....finally.  Even the baby toddles off to nicely watch a show and everyone leaves me to stand in the room, fight the pms demons and feel like an asshole.

So there you have it.  What would you rather?  4 boys and all that goes with that?  Or 1 redhead with pms and a slight imbalance to begin with?  All these blogs, all my woe is me I have too many males in my life moments and it comes down to this......boys, I'm sorry.  But you're stuck with me.  And I'm the Queen of this castle so put that toilet seat down and pick up your socks or next month, and the month after that, and the month after that, we could play that game again.  You have been warned.

Grumpiest Morning Ever

So this morning I had the GRUMPIEST morning ever.  Which I guess I've already summed up in the "title" so I didn't need to repeat myself.  Whatever.  It's my morning and I can be as grumpy as I want! 

Do you ever like....have a plan for how something is going to go?  Like this magical Disney movie type scenario in your head, with all these little amazing details planned out....then you get to the execution of the plan and it all just goes to shit?  Like, all of it.  Shit.  That's kind of how my morning went.  Last night I had these grandeur plans of waking up my darling sleeping children, making their lunches (in a jaunty apron with little blue birds flying around my head helping me like tie the twist ties and singing and shit), gently coaxing them out the door only to stand on the porch and giggle while shaking my head slowly cause the youngest rascal forgot his lunch and is running back to fetch it then we'd laugh and laugh......coming back into the house and enjoying a steaming mug of perfectly brewed coffee, plugging into my iPhone and going for a run in the crisp mountain air (also adding 5 minutes to my overall run time with little or no effort), coming home feeling refreshed and dewy with sweat  dew drops and sunshine, having a steamy shower and then starting my magically awesome day.  That was the plan.  I don't understand how it could all go so wrong?? 

What really happened...

Tried to rouse the kids while they cried that they were too tired and fought me all the way.  Went to make coffee and found out there was NO coffee.  At all.  Well, okay, that's a lie.  There was a random bag of I don't even know what grounds of coffee from I don't even know when that I'm sure is mostly dust now and I couldn't bring myself to drink it cause it smelt like old people and despair.  Fought with the kids about every aspect of their morning while shhhh'ing them every 2 seconds because the baby was still sleeping.  Cried.  Finally kicked them off to the bus, locked the door.  Still no coffee.  Baby still sleeping.  Expecting husband home from work any minute with coffee...get a text that he's running way later then he thought and he's nowhere near coming home, with coffee.  Cry more.  Give up on morning and go back to bed.  Sleeping baby still in bed, all warm and cuddly which is a plus.  Crawl into bed and baby's diaper gives out and feel a warm puddle of pee down my arm/pj's/clean new fresh sheets/body.  Fuck.  Get up and phone my mom in tears to ask for coffee.  Drive over there in my pj's and messy hair with baby crying in van.  Mom laughs at my outfit and I die a little inside.  Finally get home to make coffee and moms special mix of beans is weak and not yummy.  Drink 1/2 pot anyways.  Give up on dreams of run and stuff myself with bagels and chocolate cookies.

So as you can see, all though my reality morning and my dream morning were close to one another....it just didn't come together.  As my dad always says "close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades" so there's that piece of wisdom.  Now to go change a crappy diaper and turn up the furnace to spite my husband.

Awkward and I don't condone the running over of puppies.

So.....I think there is something wrong with me.  Like wrong with me!  I mean, pretty much, I'm a decent person.  I like stuff, and am nice mostly and say mean things only under my breath, mostly.  And I don't try to hurt people, or things and I don't enjoy when other people hurt people, or things.  Nice person, right?  So also, sometimes when I get nervous, or stressed, I giggle.  In really awkward and inappropriate times.  And the worst part about this is- it's usually odd enough to get someone else to giggle, and then you're in trouble.  And it's not that I'm giggling or laughing because it's funny, like funny ha-ha, but because it's just the way my emotional reaction has decided to come out in that form.  I remember this one time, at a funeral....not like a sad funeral but like a funeral of someone very very old who was very very sick and it really was a bit of a blessing that they had finally moved on.  Well, of course it was sad, but it wasn't like tragic?  Okay, now this example isn't even my example that I had planned to talk about in setting myself up for wrong-ness......but the more I write, the more scared I get!  Who talks about a non-sad funeral???  Did someone die?  Isn't that sad?  Get a hold of yourself Shannon!!!!  Anyways....my point was, as we were sitting there, off to the side in the family section at the funeral....

k wait.....now you're all "family section" and "not sad" funeral in the same story?  She's effed.

......and we were feeling very stressed about the situation.  And it was one of those Russian funerals where the singers all come out and sing and sing and sing for EVER and everyone is crying....well, not everyone cause also, at the Russian funerals, you have those who just come out for the social aspect.  Yes, I know that sounds kind of odd....but it's like a communal support group!  ANYWAYS......my dad and I realize that we are sitting in such a spot where we can see directly up the dead persons nose.  Like DIRECT.  And she had a fairly large nose....with fairly large nostrils.  And it's like a black void space....and what do they do with your nose insides?  And now we're whispering "what's up there?" and trying to hide giggles as sobs.....and yes, we're horrible people......but you laughed too thinking of it and now so are you.  But when you're just stressed like that....and your emotion doesn't know WHAT to do....sometimes this is the easiest way to get it out.  Highly frowned upon, but it just happens....and I cried too.....so I'm probably hopefully not going to become a seriel killer.  Right??

This other time......it was Christmas dinner.  And my Baba (Russian grandma) was leading us all in the traditional prayer before supper.  We were all standing, heads bowed and I happened to glance over and catch sight of my sister.  We were like maybe 12 and 10.....okay 15 and 13....okay so maybe it was only a couple years ago but I'm pretty sure we were young.  So I glance at her....and she kind of smirks....so I kind of smirk and quickly look away.  Everyone is still very seriously praying...like to god or whatnot....so I glance again.....and we giggle.  Uh oh.  So the more we try NOT to giggle....we giggle more.  Pretty soon, tears are RUNNING down our cheeks and we're full out laughing.  And we can't stop.  And my dad is yelling at us to be quiet and Baba looks horrified.  All just making the situation worse....and we just CANNOT stop.  So we get sent to our rooms.  At Christmas dinner of all times. 

So yesterday.......I laughed at someone posting that they had run over their puppy.

cue crickets chirping

Okay so see?  Doesn't that sound AWFUL!!!????  But in all fairness, they also said that it wasn't like the entire puppy....but maybe just the leg or paw.  And I really didn't find it funny!!!!  But it was just the way it was written...on their status.  So like matter of fact and out there.  And it was such a long day at work and I didn't eat lunch and our work environment has been a little stressful lately so it just like....came out.  Then once I realized what I had done.....of course I started laughing.  Out of complete embarrassment!  And awkwardness!  But then I couldn't stop.  And pretty soon I had tears running down my face.  And Gill just sat there, across from me, staring with a look of horror wondering if I had truly cracked.  And I swear, at that moment, I had!!!  And every time I'd stop laughing....I'd remember that I laughed at someone running over their puppy and I'd start again.  Oh my god.  I'm going straight to hell!!  So to try and like, I don't know....cover up the horrific nature of my giggle I choked out "One time my dad ran over my bike!" which doesn't really compare....of course, I know that!  Okay, so now I even went and scrolled through days of postings to find out about the puppy cause I felt really badly.....but it's okay!!  Just bruised!  Sooo....if you're reading this, not the puppy but the owner, send me your address....I'd like to send your puppy some get well soon flowers....or dog biscuits or a bone or something. 

So just to sum up.........running over animals is never funny.  And I laughed and feel badly and I think this means that I probably have an alien living inside me who will be busting out at any moment....if I like, feed it after midnight or water it on a full moon or something.  And if I wind up killing a bunch of people, or like maybe one person....or like my ex goes missing or something....you can all tell this story at my trial because it truly proves that I've been sniffing too many chemicals at work and have been probably possessed or something. 

I'm an asshole.

Yeah...so sometimes, I'm an asshole.  I don't know why....and it's usually to Barry, and he's ALWAYS nice.  ALWAYS.  Even when i'm an asshole.  Which makes it even worse.  So here's the deal....

Barry, playing outside with the kids while I get the food ready for the bbq we are having tonight.  Barry starts hauling wood out from under our wood pile and Kohen (the 5 year old) gets all fired up that we should have a fire outside!  Well, obviously outside.  But anyways....so Barry comes in asks if we should have a fire.  I'm all "when? cause I have all this supper stuff to get ready, and the girls are coming for 6 and I just don't think there's time." so then he tells Kohen "no fire." and Kohen cries.  Asshole moment #1.  SO then, i'm busy chopping up veggies and puttering around the kitchen and cue Asshole moment #2;

Barry - So no then?

Me - Well "I" am NOT going to sit around a fire right now.  I have all these veggies to cut up and I have to peel and cut up ALL the potatoes and get everything ready for supper.  Unless someone ELSE cooks supper, then "I" have to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barry - *silence*

Me - ...........

Barry - I meant about Kohen having some chocolate milk.

Yup, asshole.