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Wednesday, 22 February 2012

The Penis.....and if you are related to me, think twice about reading this...also if you are under the age of legal consent.

Okay so I've been out of the whole "dating loop" for a long time.....about 10 years to be exact.  And, things have really changed in the last ten years.  For example, cell phones.  Now saying that is making me sound like I also walked up hill both ways to school when I was a kid, but it's true (not the hill part, but the change part).  When Barry and I were first dating, he got his first cell phone.  It was GIANT and did him NO good because he only knew a small handful of people who also had cell phones and really, you only used them to phone.  There was no texting, picture messaging etc....so the novelty quickly wore off.  Facebook wasn't rampant then either....there was no "facebook official" dating status or pictures to tag.  In my opinion, things were much easier....less confusing anyways!!  And I'm glad to say I'm out of the dating loop because Jesus, Mary and Joseph you couldn't pay me to date nowadays!  All tho, if you did pay me to date you, my husband may be okay with that.  While talking bills and budget the other night after a couple bottles of wine, he did mention that if I started having sex with a few of my clients, I'd make more money....I think he was kidding and I'm pretty sure he meant sex like in a metaphor for stimulating conversation....which I have with my clients already so maybe that's not it.....anyways, I'm sure he's not condoning prostitution but back to my original point....which was.....I lost it.  So back to my original original point......

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH TEXTING PENIS PICTURES???? 

Okay ladies, am I right?  Or am I horribly old and a prude and obviously a nun?  Like, does this do something exciting for you??  Now don't get me wrong, I'm okay with penises....(and if my mom is reading this, maybe just pretend like I'm talking about something else, nod, smile and skip to the end)...I wouldn't say the sight of a penis really does anything spectacular for me.  They're kind of funny looking really.  And so quirky....does it shift left.....point right....bend....have a hat on.....change colours....all sorts of different things.  It's hard to really take any guy seriously when they're standing there pointing that thing at you that instantly brings me back to childhood.....not penises in my childhood let me just stop you there....but you know those things behind the doors?  The door stops?  The ones on the springs that you hit and they SPROING back up and make an amazingly annoying sound?  Do you not just want to run over and give it a whack expecting the sound?  Okay no?  Just me?  Mooovvinnnggg on.....like...as a girl, would you ever sit around on the internet googling pictures of penises to like, get off?  I kinda think no.  So why oh why would a guy think that texting a girl a picture of just his penis, with no other "hey how you doing?" would get him somewhere?  Is it code for like, I'm ready?  Sext me (another thing that I don't really get). Or is it just reverting back to all little boys fascination with hanging on to their wang for good luck and playing helicopter when they should be peeing.  Am I totally out in space here??  I know the old myth about guys being more "visual" when it comes to turn ons is truly a myth and ladies are just as much visual creatures too.....but does that do it for you?  Or do we all just smile and pretend like we enjoy it as not to hurt their little feelings?  C'mon ladies, tell me your feedback!!  What is up with getting a penis picture?  Do you like it?  Or do you show it to all your girlfriends and giggle?  And lets face it, these pictures of penises being texted are not like Ron Jeremy sized or anything....they're just your average dongs....or smaller....not that size matters to anyone...okay, that's a lie....size does matter to some but I guess there's a way to like, take a picture and have it look bigger?  Maybe like next to a doll hand pretending it's like, your own hand or something?  Okay...now I'm just getting creepy.....

Monday, 20 February 2012

Fun Facts! Or not...god there is just NO pleasing you is there??!!

In the spirit of complete randomness, this post is dedicated to my parents.  My darling kooky parents, who without them, I would not be the person I am today.  Basically, everything about me that's "odd", I'm blaming on them....but don't tell them that.  Let's just pretend right now that I'm writing this because...like.....I admire them?  Yeah, I admire them and cherish all my personality traits cause that's what makes me "me".  And the funniest part is, most of you know my parents....and you know how completely insane they are!  And the fact that me and my siblings are so put together is really just sheer luck and street smarts!  I mean....gaawwddd.....so anyways, thanks to them I'm a pseudo-nut job...oh no, wait.....pseudo means fake....thank you grade 7...so I guess I'm just a nut job?  Okay, glad to clear that up.  Here are some fun facts about moi!

1) I wear glasses.  Yes, I'm starting off a little disappointing here.  But the fact I wear glasses is only known to anyone who has ever been here late enough in the evening to see me attempt to watch TV from across the living room.  Cause that's the only time I wear them.  Now now, don't fret, I don't need them to cut hair!  Just like...detail work....annnd stuff....waaaiittt......awkward....

2) I have NEVER seen an episode of The Bachelor, Bachelorette, Biggest Loser, American Idol, The Voice, America's got Talent, Kardashians, or anything on MTV,  blah blah reality TV.  The last reality TV show I watched was the finale of the VERY FIRST SEASON of Survivor....I was pregnant with Gavin and it was 1999.

3) Continuing with the NEVER TV theme....I have NEVER seen the movie Titanic.  This used to piss my sister off who loved the movie....she'd try and sneak it into the VCR (google it) and try and pretend it was a different movie and trap me into watching it. Nowadays, it's strictly this; if I watch it, I can no long say I've NEVER seen it.  So I won't.

4) I know how to juggle.  This fact once brought a girl to tears (it was Gill, still don't know why my juggling brought her to such emotion) and is a sight that again, few have witnessed.  I'm not an amazing juggler anymore, but maybe I'll practice again and take my show on the road.

5) Boys with long hair make me SWWOOONNN.  I'm not talking about those scruffy, shaggy junior high/high school boys.....I'm talking like grown up boys.  With long hair.......ohhhhh yeah.  I once dated a guy in college who my sister called "Jesus" and yeah, it was pretty accurate. 

6) Okay....now this is a deep dark secret.  Maybe I'll save it for the end....it's pretty unreal.

7) In too many ways, I am EXACTLY. MY. DAD.  This fact was thrown in my face during an argument with him the other night and as he sat there smirking, I had to resist the urge to start screaming dramatically and pack my stuff and run away.  Now I know for a fact, he'll never read this (fun fact about him....he just recently learnt how to turn on a computer) so I feel safe in saying that I usually regard my father (lovingly sure) as a spoiled rotten child.  That pretty much sums up his personality.  So the fact that we share so many similar traits, makes me crazy annoyed.  I'm alot like my mom too, but I think the personality traits of mine that are the quickest to flare up and show themselves come from him.  SUCH AS....my temper, impatience, inability to be bored without killing people, need for constant motion, TV/radio station/song constant flicking, acting like spoiled rotten brats, we have a hard time when we're not the centre of the universe (thank you MOM for the combo on this one and my ability to at least pretend I'm not when needed) and the list goes on.  But as much as I have those traits, it's not all bad from him.....I also have good knees for sports, sense of humour, easy to make friends, can talk to anyone in the world and have them fall in love with me (even if just a little bit), love of music and an appreciation for the things that make a small town small.  So it's a bit of both.

8) I LOVE to write!  Okay, again, not blowing your mind here.  I can hear you thinking "do you think we're idiots?  Obviously you're writing this right now!" and no, I think you're all brilliant...I'm talking about writing stories, poems, essays, fact, fiction etc etc.  I ADORE writing!  I was that girl who would bang out an obscenely large essay the night before and get an A on it.  I used to have quite a collection of my writings....before computers were so rampant....and a friend of mine had them to edit for me and left them in his car and then sold his car and they all went to the dump.  He nicely offered to help me re-write them claiming he could remember the basic ideas of them but I was upset and discouraged and that was pretty much the end of my writing career.....the dump.

9) All through school, I thought when I graduated, I would go to acting school.  I LOVE acting.  My dream was to be in a production on Broadway.  I'd like to think that if my life had gone in a different direction, I would have had the gusto to make that happen.

10) I'm obsessed with leather, pvc, latex clothing.  Anytime I have a costume to wear, I try and incoporate as much of these fabrics as possible.  They make me feel amazing when wearing.

11) And last but not least....my deep dark secret.....are you ready?  For those who already know this fact (all 4 of you) you can feel smug in knowing that before I published it on the entire world wide web, I felt safe enough to share with you.....you're welcome.  So...okay.....it's hard to type....i'm feeling all sweaty and my palms are damp........CHEERLEADERS MAKE ME CRY.  Okay...I think it feels good to get that out...all tho, it makes me feel like i'm going to cry....thinking about them.  Now this is a crazy thing.  It all started when I was pregnant with Gavin and I'd watch those like cheer competitions on TV and something about them made me bawl my face off.  I don't know if it's like the high level of energy, the sound of the crowd, how they all fill out their cheerleading bibs with their boobs unlike I was ever able to do in pompom girls, the fact that they have so much team spirit...I don't know.  And this wasn't like a silent sobbing type cry....it was a full out vocal my grandmother just died gut wrenching body busting wail. And now, the thought of watching it makes the hairs on my arms stand up and my eyes get misty.  I thought once I had Gavin, hormones being hormones, I'd go back to normal and this wouldn't happen.  But no....it does.  And it's the worst thing ever.  Remember when those movies "Bring it" or whatever came out?  Do you know how many times they advertised on TV?  Instant tear fest, every time.

So there you have it.  Eleven fun filled facts about me.  Because I am the centre of the universe and you are all in love with me, am I missing any great ones that people should know?  If so, please share!