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Friday, 27 January 2012

Don't read this post, I just needed to write it. Move along.

Okay first off let me start by saying this post is reflective of a fleeting moment.  I'm pms'ing-ish and haven't had enough sleep and my kids are making me crazy and...and...and....and....and.  So here goes....

WHY??!!!  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for lots and lots of health, my kids health, my amazing husband, my beautiful house overlooking the river, my great family, my business being so busy, my stylists and friends and red wine and coffee.  But do you ever feel like "hey.  I work really mother fucking hard.  Like, stupid hard.  Like, I give my soul to my job day in and day out and I work hard.  And where's my ________?" (enter your own longing there, make it material and Lexus, iPhone, vacation, FLUEVOGS...get the idea?).  I am myself at fifteen this morning whining about the injustice of it all.  I'm swearing and stomping my feet and pouting.  I just feel like sometimes I sacrifice a lot to work as much and as hard as I do....alot of family time and time with my husband....because I have a business to run and have worked this hard for this long.  NEVERMIND the amount of time and effort my husband puts in!!  And he's not even on payroll and has his own insane day job.  So where's my indulgences?????  We've never even had a honeymoon, never had a holiday, never gone anywhere......we owe and owe and owe and never can get ahead.  And it's not fair.  So what's the answer?  Sell everything and move into a trailer in Greenwood is what Barry says....I'm not convinced.  I just want to be able to splurge every once in a while because I feel like we're worth it.  And when my dream pair of Fluevogs is finally on sale for 50% and I've lusted after them for seriously years, I want to be able to buy them.

There, I'm done.  I don't feel any better yet and plan on doing this all day.  Tomorrow, we'll see.  Maybe this is my splurge?  One full day of pity party for something so stupid and material when people are starving all over the world and we live in the most beautiful place on earth.  And I have nothing to pout about.  I know people suffering, and dealing with major injustices right now and I'm whining about a pair of shoes.  So there you have it, who's got 2 thumbs and is a complete materialistic bitch and needs to obviously downsize and take stock of what's really important?  This gal right here. *sigh*

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

The Middle Child

You know....I was always super happy that I didn't have any girls.  Don't get me wrong, girls are lovely (just look at me! ha!) and I know that having girls would be a totally different, lifetime of companionship compared to boys.  For me, I was always terrified that karma would kick my ass if I had girls.  I know what kind of a girl I was....and that scared me.  I could get into stories, but that's a whole other blog post. That and hormones.  Uggghhh.....I don't think our house is big enough for more hormones, mine are through the roof all on their own.  So I guess my point is that I felt "safe" after having 3 boys of my own. 

Weeeelllllll........along came Kohen.

Kohen is a breed unto his own.  He can be the sweetest child on the face of the planet.  The most caring and loving and considerate and helpful and thoughtful and the list truly goes on.  And thank goddess for that because that takes up maybe 13% of his time, and the rest of the can be hell.  This is my penance.  This is my karma.  He is a trying, difficult, life sucking entity and I mean that in the most loving motherly way.  When Kohen is around, the world enters it's own gravitational pull and surrounds only him.  You can't focus elsewhere, he just sucks all the attention and energy out of everyone in the room.  My mom ofter remarks, after a visit to our house, that she feels bad for the other kids because she didn't get a chance to have any one on one with them.  And she's always a little stunned, that feeling of "what the hell just happened?" as she's getting ready to leave and realizing that she's exhausted.  That's how I feel most days.  He's exhausting.  We go in waves these days thankfully.  In the last couple years, it was all the time and now, we have ups and we have downs.  I'd like to think the calm times are as many as the crazy times, but I could just be hopefully delusional.  And just when you think you are going to snap and lose your shit and give him to the neighbours, he turns around and just does something so heart wrenchingly beautiful and sweet and you just melt and realize you can make it another day with Kohen.  Oh and he looks amazingly darling when he's sleeping, a time my husband spends to watch and tear up over how much he loves him.  You have to take those moments because when he's awake some days, you wonder if you'll both survive the day.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

It's all for the ass in the end.

Oh hi there!  It's been awhile!  I started my other blog, and completely forgot about this blog.....this one where I share the insides of me, not the outsides like my other blog.  Truthfully, this is the scarier blog to write because I tend to have an issue "over sharing" sometimes.....but that's why I enjoy this venue to share!!  Today I want to share with you a little secret.  I'm off the scale.  I don't know if anyone remembers my obsession with the scale.  That horrible thing in my bathroom that called me to step on it two, three, four times a day....never changing much, but giving me a number that I could tuck away in my brain and process and over analyse.  But, I've started going to the gym....which you'd think would make me more apt to standing on the scale but it's been the opposite.  I ADORE the gym!  And I've totally ditched the scale. Crazy hey?  It's been making this winter bearable....the darkness okay....the early cozy nights pleasant and my moods more stable then they have been in a long time (or at least I think husband might disagree).  I'm pissed at myself that I didn't figure out this whole physical activity thing and winter and moods sooner!  But here I am, three days a week at the gym with my gym buddy Nicole.  It's been blissful.  I've seen a bit of a transformation, nothing drastic....which is okay!  I'm not in it to really change....more just to feel good.  Which I do.  My arms have a bit more definition, my legs are gonna look nice in shorts and I have energy and stamina and feel strong.  Now I don't know if everyone has taken to my gym routine as pleasantly as I have.  It's been hard on the rest of the family.  Mostly because those three days a week are typically after I finish work so I get home that bit later and dinner is that bit later and my husband is picking up more of the slack.  I get twinges of guilt....when I come home and everyone is miserable and I'm on a total high from the physical exertion.  And I keep telling myself I'm going to be more organised in meal planning and crock potting and try to keep it as non disruptive as I can, but it's hard.  The three kids and the business suck so much out of me to begin with....but I need this.  And I want to feel good about myself....and a nicer, tighter ass doesn't hurt anything either right??