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Thursday, 5 April 2012


I am NOT a morning person.  I'm pretty much the crankiest you know what if I get up on the wrong side of the bed....which is any side of the bed really some mornings.  And other mornings, things have potential to be okay but one of my fucking darling children will essentially shove me off the wrong side of the bed and the rest of the day is doomed.  Take this morning for example.  The alarm goes off the first time, which the clock is set 15 minutes fast to begin with just so I can snooze it a couple times and not be late, and I slap the snooze right out of that bitch.  I hear Barry downstairs getting ready to leave for work and I hear Kohen head on down there too.  Good, I don't have to drag Kohen out of bed, he's already up, good start I can snooze one more time.  SNOOOZE. In my half asleep, half awake state I hear Kohen opening the microwave up.  He insists on having his chocolate milk warmed up.  I drift off again and hear Kohen whimpering.  Now, I know what this is looking like..........I'm the mom, all up warm and cozy in my bed while my little darling child is downstairs playing with cooking appliances....and before you "go there" let me interject with this; he's almost 7 and can heat up his own damn chocolate milk....if my kids wind up in the Hunger Games, they are going to be prepared, that's my job as their Mom so mind your own damn business.  Where was I?  Oh right....whimpering.  Okay, again, let me clarify......I'm not talking whimpering like "ow ow ow hurt", I'm talking like "oh shit moms gonna snap".....see the difference?  Okay good!  So anyways.....I assume he's spilt his chocolate milk in the attempt to haul it out of the microwave which is a little higher up then he can really reach (7...Hunger Games....raise your own kids) so I haul myself out of bed and grumpily start heading down.  Kohen meets me on the stairs and he's got his face covered by his hands...

"I'm sorrrrrry mom!  I'm sorrrrrrry!"
Big Sigh "What Kohen?"
"I wanted to make an egg and it exploded."
"WHAT??!!??" I didn't even know he could crack open an egg!
"I'm sorrry!  But it like....exploded!"

I walk over to the microwave and notice the time is sitting at 2:35 so I'm assuming it was set for 3 minutes and open it up (he's closed it and run) and this is what I find...

I took the glass part out already before I got smart and thought I should take a pic so it's not as bad as it use your imaginations and picture that glass spinny part COVERED in egg whites and explosion.  Now, I'm looking at this and I'm a little stunned.  How did that egg explode........ohhhh......shells.  Basically Kohen stuck an ENTIRE egg, in it's SHELL in a cup, and nuked it for almost 1 minute.  Huh.  Neat.

This was all that was left in the cup.  Those suckers EXPLODE pretty majorly.  So that's how my morning started!  I spent the next half hour trying to scrape cooked egg off the inside of my microwave with a butter knife crying.  Oh, and I tried the ol' stick a cup of water in the microwave and heat it up and let the steam gently massage and caress all the gunk off the inside of your microwave trick....and in my half stunned morning state, nuked it for a minute and a half and then whipped open the microwave, grabbed the cup and totally burnt my hand so that worked pretty well.  And it didn't even get the egg off....cause I missed the step where you leave your microwave closed and let the steam actually DO something (other then burn you) for future reference, if you need household cleaning tips, ask somebody else because apparently Susy Fucking Homemaker I'm not.  Shattered your dreams with that one didn't I?  And as for Kohen....he's had a rough couple of days.  Yesterday evening we found all our missing toothpastes thrown into our non-working storage bathtub downstairs hiding amongst the mops and cleaning supplies because he "doesn't like the taste" and we're out of kids toothpaste.  Wouldn't life be dull without him??  I just keep repeating that to myself with every sip of wine.  Merlot and fruit loops for breakfast again!!  Haha just kidding, that's gross, you gotta drink it with cheerios.

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