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Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Some of the Texts you'll find on my phone at any given time....

I've posted one of these before.....but it's time again.  I've had so many funny text messages lately that I have to share!  These messages make me literally LOL and I really think you guys are all so amazingly clever!  Warning....bad language!!!  No names shared but here's a few of my recent favorites....

"Okay well apparently *** didn't do anything towards dinner for tonight so the pork isn't marinating and it's too late to start now so any ideas?"
"Ohhh, I could have come and helped! Could do the hot pepper jelly thing?"
"Or he could have just fucking done it.  I told him it had to marinate.  I'm so mad"
"Maybe we should have lobster and pasta"
"*** doesn't like lobster.  He can have a fucking hot dog."

"I'm a mean, abusive person.  To my liver I mean."
"ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I feel great this morning.  Go figure...maybe cause I only had 2 sambucas instead of 10"
"Wow.  Math to the rescue again!"

"I know.  I'm smart like that."
"I know.  I made you."
"Thanks mom.  So who's my real dad?"

"Dad won over $1000 at the casino"
"Dad says "oh ya, right" in a sarcastic tone"
"I knew I was his favorite"

"I'm giving it to you for your birthday ;-)"
"That AND fluevogs?  Oh honey you spoil me!!"
"Message send failure"
"Check head for loose screws"

"Hows the coffee??"
"GROSS.  I liked your cup.  And I was eating peanut butter"
"Crisp? Haha"
"Haha you're still drunk"

"How's your mother in law to be doing?  haha I MAKE JOKE!"
"Hahaha I punch your face next time I see you"

"Are you pooping?!"
"Yes!  When else do you creep facebook relationship statuses?"
"Haha well personally I tumbl"
"I tumbl for ya"

"Umm I did my hair and makeup and ate a hotdog"
"Hahaha!  Your day wins!"
"Haha oh and tried vodka and tang.  Not good"
"I ran out of everything else for mix. And I nearly puked but I didn't want to waste so I drank it"
"Ha!  Such a good little girl scout!"

"I have to look my best at all times"
"Never know when you'll have a man visitor and need to woo them"
"True story.  Happens all the time...."
"I mean, they're all under the age of 12 but never too young for a good old fashioned wooing"
"Theyre 12, you look 12, nothin illegal here"

"Kohen just bounced the ball off the coaches head"
"It's actually a good thing.  His aim is spot on!"

"Stop my keys"
"Coming Bach haha"
"In the cup holder.  Beethoven"

"I want something good for dinner."
"Beans and wieners?"

"Bob Loblaw's Law Blog?"
"No seriously.  Huh?"

"Will you make sure that the maximum amount of animals have to die in the making of my jambalaya?"
"Sure will!!  I'll even throw a couple endangered species!"
"Killer whale for all!  I'm pretty sure that's a law."
"And hopefully the neighbours won't notice their missing cats."
"On your birthday you can kill any animal"

"Wfh  (working from home).  I'm starting that."
"I'm wfw"
"Not starting that."
"Too late."

"What are you guys up to?"
"Smoking pot and drinking jack daniels all while we wait for the hooker to get here next"
"Oh good.  Life lessons."
"I figured we might as well get them all over at once"

"Hey loser.  I'm drinking some wine and listening to blue rodeo right now, and although i think your pretty annoying and smelly, I'd sure like to be partaking of those two things with your company"
"We're drinking some wine and listening to The National and I'm pretty sure I don't miss you and you'd hate everything about our deck/view right now"
"Yeah probably, I really prefer the view I have of the four lane road I have in front of my place"
"I'm sure you do.  That way you can imagine yourself laying across it once you finally realize moving away was the biggest mistake of your life and things aren't worth living without me and all my awesomeness"

"We're at the colander right now so the poops should come out extra easy tonight."
"Hahaha that's pretty you guys give out dirty needles and band aids in robson at halloween?"
"Actually we're in Trail trick or treating so we'll probably get lead and herpes"

"Hey ya cock coming for dinner still?"
"Only to see if your any uglier then the last time I saw you."

"Hey fucker!!  Merry Christmas asshole!  I also love you for some strange reason so fuck you"
"Because I love you too.  I would have considered marrying you, but then I wouldn't want my life to resemble hell, so I can't.  But I will say merry christmas and I miss you!"

"Getting a new tattoo and was going to get a portrait of your face but when I showed the tattoo artist your picture, he clawed his own eyes out while screaming obscenities so now he's blind and it's all your fault."
"I'm not surprised.  The doctor who delivered me has been in a waking coma since he laid eyes on me, I was the worst he'd ever seen."

"It is 6:35am and I am currently at the GYM.  What.  The.   Fuck. is probably what you are thinking, but such is the power that is my mid life crisis that I will bench press you."
"Ha!  If you tried to bench press me, the weight of my incredible good looks would crush you in a millisecond."

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