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Wednesday, 7 March 2012

WARNING - You are going to implode with shock.

So this is going to come as a complete shock.  Some of you might faint, please sit now if you think that could be you.  There's going to be a lot of screaming and gasping and general over dramatised verklemption (please refer to SNL The Church Lady is this last word confuses you).  But I've decided it has to be put out there....I just don't feel like you all can connect with me, really get me without sharing this blog posting with you.  So are you all ready??  Sitting?  Have some smelling salts and a shot of whisky handy (I know you do Ande)?  Okay, here goes.  I.  Have.  Bad.  Habits.      I'll give you a moment to process that and finish running around crying...
........................................................................................................you good?  Okay.  Yes, it's true.  I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner...and if you feel like I've been living a lie, I apologize for that too.  I mean, I'm only human right?  No no....I'm not trying to pacify you, you feel whatever emotions you want.  I just want to share with you, a few of these bad habits....just to like, get on a real level with you.  It's all for you in the end see?  Because I love each and every one of you.

Bad Habit #1 - believe it or not, I don't have the language of nuns.  Yes, this is probably going to be quite shocking.  I have been known to utter some foul language.....language that could make your old Uncle Pete the trucker blush and cover his eyes....language that is so potentially foul, it hasn't even been invented yet....you don't even know if I'm swearing but you know it makes you feel funny in that spot deep down inside you.  I curse a lot.  I tried cutting back, but I think my vocabulary really suffered for it.  What fun is pointing and grunting????

Bad Habit #2 - I procrastinate.  Now I know that's a big fancy word, and sounds like it could even be a little sexual in nature, but I assure you, it's not a good thing.  What I can do today, I'll put off for tomorrow!  And like...write a blog instead!!  The worst part is, I see myself doing this....and I tell myself "Self, get the fuck (refer to bad habit #1) off that computer and go find your children!" but then my self always gets all "you can't tell me what to do bitch!! (bh#1)"....which brings me to...

Bad Habit #3 - I have selective listening skills.  Every "no" to me, is kinda like a challenge.  What's that?  No?  Well then....give me 5 minutes and I'll ask you again.  I don't know if this is really a bad habit...cause mostly it's for your own good that I'm convincing you to do something ridiculous and only slightly dangerous with me!  Because I sure as heck wouldn't convince you to do laundry.....but i could convince you to do my laundry!  No?  We'll seeeeee........

Bad Habit #4 - I'm messy.  GASP!!!!!!!!!  I know right??????  I just....like having all my stuff out where I can see it, otherwise, it's lost.  I'm worse then a child for opening up the fridge and screaming "WHAT!! OUT OF KETCHUP AGAIN??!!" only to have Barry move a milk jug over 1/4" to the left to reveal the hidden ketchup.  If I can't see it, it doesn't exist....again, where the hell (bh#1) are my kids??

Bad Habit #5 - I drink.  Wine.  Lots.  Now, this isn't really a bad habit in my books.....but the look upon my doctors face when she asked me how much alcohol I consumed a week, leads me to believe it's shunned upon in certain circles.  I can't help it.  Wine like....owns my soul!  When wines around I'm all "yeah baby, slip me a roofie!"

Bad Habit #6 - I'm a flicker.  Listening to music....oh?  You like that song?  *flick to another*  Oh sorry...were you listening to that? *flick to another*.  Watching TV....."In the Criminal Justice System the people are represented by two separate... *flick* "This is JEOPARDY..." *flick* *flick* *flick* *flick*  I can't help it.  It's a bad habit I got from my dad.  I think my mom and Barry have started the first FGSPTRD club.....for those not familiar ForGodSakePutThatRemoteDown

So there you have it.....6 of my bad habits.  I'm sorry to burst your "Shannons perfect" bubble, but someone had to do it.  Not that I think you do....but if you do happen to recall any other tidbits that might be seen as "bad" or more like "slightly tarnished", then please, do share!  I'll fight you....just kidding....violence wasn't on my list.

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